copyright 2008
Emptiness fills me while life around me buzzes,
a new man takes an interest but I hardly want to bother.
What shadows am I fighting? What lessons must I learn?
I think of you with your long legs draped elegantly
across the length of the couch,
your smile delighted when I would crawl on top of you.
I could have another but for what?
What hungry beasts we are, what lonely creatures.
I know there are reasons you had to leave.
We were after all two opposites:
you tidy, me complicated; you logical, me intuitive,
you atheistic, me metaphysical,
you prefer packaged food heated in a microwave,
I cook everything in or on a stove from scratch,
you watch sports whereas I like politics, science fiction and old movies,
I am a pack-rat and you like things pristinely organized,
I like to grow plants and improvise while I dig in the dirt
whereas you never like to do anything messy,
I like to delve into the meaning of things
and you think philosophy is about exploring
and refining the surface.
I am not so very modern it seems as you are and were.
I am a throw-back perhaps:
art, herbs, poetry, politics, astrology
as well as seeing after my aged mother and repairing the houses.
Whereas you are more streamlined: computer programming,
although you have talent with music and art
but fear to take these occupations seriously.
I have to decide if I can
allow myself to partner again
or just obey my impulse
to become an isolate Crone,
maybe loving someone now and then
without becoming too attached.
I know deep inside I can no longer let myself
become derailed by someone else’s agenda,
which unfortunately is all too easy,
whether they intend that or not,
since I am empathic despite my independent nature.
For now I tend the wood stove,
buy groceries for my mother and feed the cats,
swim and walk, happy about the progress
of our current renovations
on what was before just a bunch of falling apart houses
and strategize how to not obsess about some new man
or call you up to say hello, making more time instead
to get back into my art studio
while life both quickens and slows
as I feel myself reach towards the next stage of life.
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